( Tom Nicon | ph: Agnese Mazzenzana)
I wonder how people I don’t even know and the things happening to them can make such an impact in my life. Sometimes, I feel like I’m the most shallow person on earth.
Today, rather, tonight, I’m feeling incredibly sad by the loss of a person I did not even know. I can feel it through my chest, crawling to my neck, eating me alive. I can’t deal. I don’t have the strength. Not yet. I couldn’t bear the thought of it. A pain so uncontrollable, you forget about everything. Language. Love. Life. It pierces first, through your skin, then deeply through your bones, and ever more deeply until it reaches your core, a pain growing stronger and stronger, until you can’t take no more.
I can’t help it but cry. I am not capable of dealing with this. Dealing with death. Over and over again, I tell myself to be ready. I tell myself it wouldn’t be so bad when it happens. I keep on repeating what Mr. Wilde said “Forget time. Forgive life. Live at peace.” But I am not capable. I am not ready. Not for me. Not for anyone.